Monday, November 13, 2006

Studio 60: Live-blogging the show that put Pahrump, Nevada back on the map

Good evening, friends, Romans, and contrarians, we come to praise Aaron Sorkin not to bury him, even though he's been doing a heckuva job digging his own grave on Studio 60.

(Rimshot. Complete silence from the audience.)

But seriously, folks, Sorkin has spent a lot of time writing his own epitaph, eulogy, and obituary into Studio 60. I can't think of another show that's such a memorial to the creator's genius. Sorkin, we've been told in various thinly-veiled ways, is the man who is saving television. I'm telling you, Donald Trump should take lessons in self-esteem from the guy.

(An even completer silence.)

Hmm. Tough crowd.

Fortunately, last week's episode was mostly free of the usual self-monumentalizing. It was free of a lot else too. Like a plot.

(A silence like the dead hear inside their graves.)

Well. Guess we proved Aaron Sorkin's not the only one who can't write comedy. On to the business at hand.

Those of you who were here last week will remember that our guest blogger, Jennifer, kept trying to abandon her hosting duties by escaping down into the comments section with the rest of the riff-raff. We sent her right back upstairs every time, mostly because the bar's up there and she had our drink orders. Jennifer was happily relieved when the show was over and her live blogging chores were done, but both Aaron Sorkin and NBC pulled fast ones on her.

Sorkin made the show a two-parter to be continued this week, and NBC decided not to cancel Studio 60. Which means that because she's the kind of obsessive personality who has to finish every single job she starts no matter how trivial, Jennifer's stuck with the live blogging again tonight. So here she is, ladies and germs, back to wrap up, mop up, and sum up, the wonderful, the marvelous, the Jennifer, aided and abetted by her lovely husband, Grizzled!

Hello Mannionites, it’s Jennifer again from Saying Yes, ready to lead you through another gripping episode of Studio 60! Joining me this evening is my trusty sidekick, Grizzled! Grizzled would have been here last week, but felt being an election judge was more important than live blogging

But let’s get back to the endless fever dream that is Studio 60… last week’s episode was like Groundhog Day! Every 12 minutes they put the needle back to the start of the album and started playing the same thing over… Matt and Harriet are supposedly going to heat up tonight… Why do I find this hard to believe? I was just watching a special on penguins. I am guessing the penguins had more heat that Matt and Harriet. You know what it gets down to? I don’t even care or want to see any heat. There is no spark as far as I am concerned and no matter how much they fan the spark, I will still not feel the heat.

Somehow I feel 73% of Part II tonight will involve re-rehashing of Part I, but let me rehash a little bit here so that we might proceed with all of our ducks in a row!

Tom is in jail (still wearing his Jesus Garb TM costume from dress rehearsal) for various charges in Pahrump, Nevada, including speeding, assault, possession of evil weed and wearing Jesus Garb TM after Lent. Judge John Goodman is ticked off with smug Hollywood-types making fun of small town people and is not going to let Tom go without a fight, but Tom needs to get back so the show can go on!!! Simon, Danny, Jack, a Chinese investor and his Tom-loving, viola-playing daughter are there as well.

Apparently all of this started when our favorite religious comedian told a newspaper that she felt being gay was a sin. Of course they left out the part about her still thinking gay people are swell…Don’t ask… you’ll be reminded 20 times in the next 60 minutes. Let's just get on with it.

8:59 CST... the excitement is palpable!!! Oh wait... we're still watching Heroes... never mind.

I think NBC got it wrong... it was save the cheerleader, not save Studio 60!!!

Pahrump is NOT funny!

9:05 OH!!! I KNEW IT!!! The show must go on! Cue Ethel Merman... Cue Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland!!! Gack.

9:07 G: Ooooh, I can feel the tension... Am I watching The West Wing??? I stopped watching that after awhile because it was like work. This is feeling like work. Why am I doing this???

J: Grizzled seems more enchanted with the flat screen from Radio Shack and less enchanted with Homophobe Harriet.

9:08 I am sorry, but I just can't get behind anything Sarah Paulson says... We know how she feels about the Bible... we know how she feels about... the Bible. Do we know how she feels about anything else???

9:10 Cheeses of Nazareth???

G: Carol Channing does have a nicer voice and is funny... where the hell is she???

J: Amanda Peet wants us to see the real Harriet. She's NOT Anita Bryant! She's NOT. Heck, I think Anita Bryant had more heat... hey, let's see Matt and Anita!!!

They're calling the gov on Tom's behalf... Jack has pull with the gov having given lots of moola. That seems to be the way it works. Will the gov same Tom? Will the gov save the show?

J&G: Jack trashes viola girl's camera thus ruining any proof of Tom in the hoosegow.

G: The Gov is not taking Jack's side. They are off to the restaurant with John for a slice of pie... mmmmm piiiiiie!

J: Hey! I make good pie! Maybe I should make one now. It might be more interesting than this...

J: Did I hear Mayberry RFD blogging??? I LOVE Ken Berry!!! Why isn't he on this? Where is he? And what about his wife...ex-wife, Jackie something or other!??!?!

We're back in Nevada... we've got pie!

Oh fer cry... we're discussing Simon's hair. It is the 21st century, right?

"no, I was in Reno... I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die..." THIS SHOW IS DYING!

I swear, the show is going to go on the road... they'll do it "LIVE! From PAHRUMF!"

New Afro-American writer questioning who gets called "Sir". Oh wait, Harriet is practicing her weekend update. She's really bland... of course she looks stellar next to Tom's stand in.

Grizzled is so thrilled with the show that he just walked out to fill up his ice bag for his post-surgicalized hand... it's still more interesting than hearing Harriet and oops, Simon's stand in.

Oh, Harriet is having a crisis!! Can she be tolerant enough for showbiz yet not tolerant enough for her religion?!? WHO CARES?!?!?

I don't think this is Studio 60 anymore, it's Studio Harriet.

Commercial break... Grizzled has proclaimed this even more lame than the last time. I concur. I am trying to whip up some feeling, but... well, oh screw it. I'm going down to the comments!!! JUST TRY AND STOP ME LANCE!!!

The comments are discussing The Simpson's and Seinfeld... what the hell am I doing up here? Grizzled??? Where are you going? Get back here!!!

Hey, they just broke in with a small plane going down in my hometown... oh crap, we're back.

J: Sixty Dahra??

Dylan seems to be a bit stage-struck. Oh, sneaking Matt, sending cute girl over to prop him up.

Ed Asner is creeeepy. Was he this creeepy last week? I want Mr. Grant back, not this blood-sucking business man.

He just said, "Make it stop!" I agree... he was talking about the show, right???

BUT HE DID NOT INHALE!!! A half-smoked joint does not mean Tom (or Simon) inhaled!

Alright! Jack is held in contempt! Contempt for this script!

Oh how sweet! Tom is going to be saved by his brother who is FIGHTING IN THE WAR... not pursuing lame comedy! Tom's father was right! Tom is NOTHING! Tom's brother is everything!

Tom is free in the interest of patriotism! Patriotism shall set you freeeeeeeeeeee!

What do you know! The Judge has a soft spot... he has suddenly lost the evidence and Tom is free. I am free... there's a commercial! Grizzled??? Where are you?!?!?

Was there a point to this show??? If so, someone please remind me because I've lost the will to blog. It's not even over. Weren't Matt and Harriet supposed to heat up? Did I miss it??!?!

9:45 Oops, I haven't been tagging the time. It's hard to keep track when it feels like infinity.

If they had to watch this show for a day they'd cry!

9:48 Tom, looking strapping in his Jesus Garb TM is wooing the viola girl to keep all gossip on the QT.

Hey! We've got heat! We've got a bit of heat between Brit girl and Matt! Or... maybe not. Maybe it's just some female angst. Oh, look, Matt is being sweet. WHO CARES!

9:50 Tom makes it to LA and kisses the ground. Oh no! Viola girl has gossip on the dreaded Crackberry!

Jack is being a stand up guy and is telling Asian Man to take his moola elsewhere... go to Time-Warner! Jack's company has honor dammit!! DAMMIT!

Oh! The ultimate insult to the Asian man! He has insulted Jack! Oh! Silly them... it's the viola girl who has translated it wrong! What a nice, neat little package.

I just asked Grizzled for confirmation on something I heard, but Grizzled was too busy doing his finger exercises.

Oh wait... we've got the blubbering British girl writer...

Oh no... Harriet and Matt are in the same room and I feel nothing. Gads, she's preaching again. GACK!

The Bible says bad entertainment is a sin...

If they kiss, I'm leaving...


Grizzled just said, "Bleck, I'd rather blog Heroes." I think I agree... I can't even think of anything slightly snappy to say other than, back to you, Lance...

Ok, kids, Mannion here to say that wraps it up for tonight. I think we all learned one important lesson here, thanks to Tom Watson.

CPO Sharkey deserves to be released on DVD!

Thanks very much to Jennifer and Grizzled. Heckuva job, you two. I want you to do the live blogging for the remainder of my term in office.

Those of you out West who are just coming in, wipe your feet on the mat before you come in.

I'm shutting down the grill now. The soda fountain will stay open. I expect you all brought enough quarters for the juke box..

Please leave your thoughts on tonight's show in the comments and don't play G19 if grandma's still working the counter with Uncle Joe. Rhinestone Cowboy reminds her too much of her Vegas days with grandpa.



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