Monday, November 27, 2006

Studio 60: Let's live blog the living daylights out of this show, by Jingo!

Buenos noches, mis amigos y mis amigas. Mannion aqui, showing off all the high school espanol he remembers. Before we get started and I bring out our guest host for the evening, I have to get serious for a minute.

Kids, there are lurkers among you. We know you are there, lurkers. The cleaning lady has found your peanut shells, candy wrappers, and crushed cigarette butts under the bleachers in the gym. Now this has got to stop. Not the eating of peanuts and candy and smoking cigarettes under the bleachers. That's where I go with my butts, nuts, and Three Musketeers myself. I mean the lurking.

No more lurking, you here me? Chime in, why don't you? Give us your insight. Let us know you're there! I realize some of you have outstanding warrants and may not want to call attention to yourselves. Use an alias! Wear a mask! Pull your hat down low and turn up your collar. The cops who come in here are off-duty and five months from retirement anyway. They won't bother with you. So comment, dammit! Let's get that comment number up over 150 tonight!

Now, without further ado, I want to introduce to you a man who should need no introduction, but who will get one anyway because certain illegal practices in his misspent youth have left him with a tendency to forget his own name. You may know who he is but he may need reminding. So, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome like he's never been welcomed before, the one, the only, the insulted, the injured, the possessed, that raw youth, a man who is a brother to all the world, a crime in his own right, and his own punishment, Neddie Jingo!

Ned start here.

Why, yes, yes he do, don't he. Except on those occasions when he start over there-->

Mannion: Buenas noches. Una noche. Noche takes the female gender, as any fule kno.

All righty, then. Comfy room, a fine young vodka-and-soda at my elbow (a weak one, as it's a weak night) a cackling friar on the grate -- sorry, check that, make that a crackling fire -- and Rosie Fahrleit playing about my features. (I'll stop with the Perelman schtick in a minute, I'm just nervous.) The rest of the Mannion Checklist: Ah! I had the rose rolled up and the socks in my teeth! I thought that was a little uncomfortable... That's why we do these pregame warmups!

Hey! Anybody read any good books lately? Tipplin' Tommy Pynchon's got a new doorstop out, "Against the Day." This Work of Literature Is Sold By Weight, Not By Volume... I'm 100 pages into it, it's flippin' great, but I've had to start a running list of characters -- now Darby Suckling, that's the "mascotte" on the airship Inconvenient? Or is he the haunted Pinkerton with the heart of gold...?

Ah! Studio 60! Yes. Right.

Having seen only last week's episode of this deathless classic of the televisual arts, I feel in need of a bit of a primer. So I guess the thing to do at this point is to look up this Aaron Sorkin character Mannion's always on about. What's he, some sort of actor or something? Mmm-kay, Wikipedia... Ah! The West Wing! So Studio 60 is The West Wing, but, you know, funny. Right. I'm now officially Caught Up. I note with some sobriety that Sorkin is six months my junior. Depressing? Nah!

Hey: Here's something I betcha didn't know: Allison Janney was in my class at Kenyon. No, seriously! The 18-year-old Allison was pretty much indistinguishable from the 46-year-old edition, all gangly limbs and dusky voice and huge black eyes that invite comparison to limpid pools in the undereducated. She was also about 6'2" and a Dramanoid, which more or less put her out of my league -- but I did OK in the Kenyon Alumna department. (Hey! There's a Kenyon Pun in that last sentence! Go Lords!)

OK, OK, the show... "As one of the funniest actors of his generation, [Matthew] Perry has impressed critics and made audiences laugh in his Emmy-nominated role as Chandler Bing on 'Friends'...." Hmm. "As one of..."? Bit clumsy, that. I guess they don't hire the Thomas Pynchons to write the website copy down at NBC.... Bradley Whitford -- Jowly McSmirkface from The West Wing, OK... That Nathan Corddry, he looks like somebody, can't think who.... Timothy Busfield -- what's he got on Sorkin, I wonder? Must be something Deep and Dark and Dreadful, otherwise he's a script boy.

Ooh! Quickly, before the show starts! I hit a deer on my way home from work tonight! Yikes! I stopped at a stop sign at Ryan Road and Evergreen Mill, and there it was, just grazing by the side of the road, so I hopped out, cooing endearments, and as soon as I got close enough, blam! A right cross to the jaw! No, seriously, the thing leaped out of the woods right into my path. I was only going about 35, and I was able to slam on the brakes -- I might have been going 15 when it came into contact with my truck's front bumper. It stood back up, looking dazed, and after a very brief but anxious few seconds, it hippity-hopped back into the woods. I was never so happy to see Bambi leave. I'd be a guilty wreck, else.

OK! On with the show!

10:04: Refresh my mammaries, someone: flu shots?

10:05: Who's Blondie? Dang, I should've actually watched this show, shouldn't I?

Jeeze -oh-squeeze-oh, is this Typepad client buggy on the Mac!

The chick from the Ricky Gervais "The Office" sure does clean up nice, don't she?

10:15: I'm completely lost: A commenter said this is a clip-show. Is that right? Otherwise, this is sure confusing.

And now: The Live-Blogging of the Commercials!

I'd rather have an iPod on my ever-changing clothes than a ev-Pod on my chang-clo on my oh screw it.

And isn't it wonderful to have the fragrance of frack-a-snackin' scented candles fill the room immediately? I mean IMMEDIATELY!!!

10:21: I'd KILL that Norah Jones clone. KILL her, dig? A hard right cross to the jaw!

10:27: The Ominous Weather: Betrays a distinct ignorance of the Gern Theory of Disease... How fast does a virus travel?

Jesus Christ, this goes fast!!!!!!

10:34: Boy, I bet we are in for some Vomit Humor, damned soon...

10:36: Matthew Perry has ENORMOUS bags under his eyes. Richly deserved.

10:37: I AM DILBERT27!!!!!

It can now be revealed. I'm glad the vodka is having its intended effect.

10:39: Woo! Contemporary Politics! Sorkin! You are a GOD!

PLAVIX! Those little animated doohickeys just wash away from your aorta! Gimme some o' that!

Please forgive me if I'm a little skeptical of the idea of "Peace, Love and the Gap./"

10:46: "Solid double up the middle": THIS SHOW SUCKS. All I'm sayin'.

10:49: Boy, that bit with Harriet unable to tell a joke is COMEDY GOLD. Also, the Grosse Pointe thing is Seriously Cheesy.

10:53: There goes that Germ Theory of Disease problem again. And Norah Jones Clone needs to DIE...

We're supposed to melt to the music. Only problem is, what happens when the music makes you want to throw up? And Amanda Peet is preggers. Like I care?

COMMERCIAL LIVE BLOGGING: Boy, I'm sure impressed by that homosexual holding that Stratocaster. Yes, indeed. Whaddya got? I'll buy it!

Oh. It's over. Goodness gracious.

Folks, this show seriously sucks. Get a life. Oh, hey! I've just noticed, I've got two -- count 'em, two! -- episodes of "House" on the TiVo. Let's do them now, OK? Dag-flaggin', sacka-a-frackin' Aaron Sorkin polesmoker... "House".. now there''s a TV show...

Ned? Ned? Come back, Ned! Come back!


Just like the man. When the masked rider's work is done, he vanishes into the night, leaving behind nothing but a silver swizzle stick.

Thank you, Lone Jingo, wherever you are. I hope you get that deer that got your truck.

Ok. I'm going out on a limb here. I liked tonight's episode. It wasn't flashy, but it was about what it needed to be about and not about Aaron Sorkin showing off. And I'm going to be telling that joke Harriet couldn't tell every chance I get. I can tell jokes. I can't write them. But I can tell them. And I'm going to tell the kreplach out of that one.

Lurkers, I know you were there. You've got to stop this. Next week, I expect full class participation or everybody's staying after school. You hear me, everybody!

Time to close up shop here on the East Coast. I'm heading on over to the In-N-Out Burger to hit on Christine Lahti. You kids out West, the place is yours. Room service is good until 2 your time. Don't take anything from the minibar, unless your company's paying for it. I called the maids and they're bringing up clean towells. Try not to frighten the neighbors.



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